i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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