ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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