he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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