I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
