The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
