It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
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The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
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Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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