Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
