Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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