shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
