did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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