So drunk its hurt
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
