I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We named our party play list daddy issues
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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