so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
