Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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