I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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