did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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