____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
