Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
