Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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