he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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