"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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