Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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