She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
