I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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