She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
