Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
