What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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