woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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