i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
