it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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