just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
