Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
