She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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