i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize