eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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