a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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