I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
