I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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