I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
