wrigley field is MILF paradise
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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