Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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