I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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