NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
