tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.