Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.