The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
