when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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