It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
