i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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