If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
