Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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