Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The ass gains better be worth it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
