she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
