I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
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its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
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You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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