We're like a lot better than the average bears
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
