the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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