Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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