The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
